Deflecting anger

Proverbs 15:1 (NLT)

1 A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare.

Arguments are always bound to take place, but they don’t have to be held with explosive tempers. Instead each person can take responsibility to see an argument resolved in a peaceful manner.

A study reported in Psychological Science discovered that the "best" arguers are those who don't point their fingers. According to the study, the person who says "we" the most during an argument suggests the best solutions.

Researchers from the University of Pennsylvania and the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill used statistical analysis to study 59 couples. Spouses who used second-person pronouns (you) tended toward negativity in interactions. Those making use of first-person plural pronouns (we) provided positive solutions to problems.

The study concluded: "'We' users may have a sense of shared interest that sparks compromise and other ideas pleasing to both partners. 'You'-sayers, on the contrary, tend to criticize, disagree, justify, and otherwise team with negativity."

{Rachel A. Simmons, Peter C. Gordon, and Dianne L. Chambless, "Pronouns in Marital Interaction: What Do 'You' and 'I' Say about Marital Health?" Psychological Science (Volume 16), pp. 932-936]

When “YOU” leave “YOU” out of a sentence in an argument the hostility of the argument tends to diminish. I suggest saying things like “I feel neglected about my birthday because no one has mentioned it.” It then leaves the sentence open to many others could have neglected the birthday and not just the person being talked to. When YOU is used it directs negativity to the listener and if harsh words are used the argument will flare.