Love prospers when a fault is forgiven

Proverbs 17:9 (NLT)

9 Love prospers when a fault is forgiven, but dwelling on it separates close friends.

When love is put aside to focus on faults of others it becomes an opportunity to separate friends. Matthew Henry once said, “The best method of peace is by an amnesty or act of oblivion.” Turn our heads away from the faults and let love fill in the gaps.

Amy Sutherland communicates some interesting ideas about husbands and wives in an article she wrote for the New York Times called, "What Shamu Taught Me About a Happy Marriage." Sutherland begins by explaining that, after 12 years of marriage, she became dismayed that her husband still exhibited several irritating habits. Her reaction to this realization is shared by many women today:

These minor annoyances are not the stuff of separation and divorce, but in sum they began to dull my love for Scott. I wanted—needed—to nudge him a little closer to perfect, to make him into a mate who might annoy me a little less, who wouldn't keep me waiting at restaurants, a mate who would be easier to love.

So, like many wives before me, I ignored a library of advice books and set about improving him. By nagging, of course, which only made his behavior worse: he'd drive faster instead of slower; shave less frequently, not more; and leave his reeking bike garb on the bedroom floor longer than ever.

A breakthrough came when Amy began traveling to a school for exotic animal trainers in California in order to research a book she wanted to write:

I listened, rapt, as professional trainers explained how they taught dolphins to flip and elephants to paint. Eventually it hit me that the same techniques might work on that stubborn but loveable species, the American husband.

The central lesson I learned from exotic animal trainers is that I should reward behavior I like and ignore behavior I don't. After all, you don't get a sea lion to balance a ball on the end of its nose by nagging. The same goes for the American husband.

Back in Maine, I began thanking Scott if he threw one dirty shirt into the hamper. If he threw in two, I'd kiss him. Meanwhile, I would step over any soiled clothes on the floor without one sharp word, though I did sometimes kick them under the bed. But as he basked in my appreciation, the piles became smaller.

A lesson I have learned in life is that it is difficult to change the behaviors of others, but if you change your own behaviors you may see new results in the other person.